Slide Mixups

Nothing 4

2008-07-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

Jimmy had probably lost about 15 pounds wandering around out in the hot sun. For days, maybe weeks even. A dark brownish beard covered the bottom half of his face, and a pair of wraparound aviators (aided by a pulled down baseball cap) covered most of the top half. It would take a very close friend to recognize him now, not that he had any... Well, anymore.
The sun was directly above him in the sky, and as Jimmy walked, he glanced down at the insubstantial shadow he created. He lifted up his shirt to wipe of the sweat from his face, revealing~not revealing what used to be there. His stomach had worn away, living on whatever he could scrounge, and each of his ribs were clearly visible.
As he walked, dragging his feet behind him (a trait that his mother had always hated) and hummed a song that he couldn't place. Something probably from a commercial. But that was his old life. Jimmy had moved on.

Jimmy wasn't really Jimmy anymore. He wasn't really aware of it, but Matt was. As Jimmy walked, he talked to Matthew, his brother. From behind, someone watching him would think he was talking to himself. He really was, but this was different. What was happening to Jimmy, wasn't a hallucination caused by the hunger (one of natures greatest hallucinogens), or thirst. The voices in his head had just taken the next natural step. They manifested themselves now.
Beside him walked Matt and Cibil. Trailing slowly behind them lay an unknown voice, rather, the unknown voice.
Matt was the one Jimmy liked. He was sensible. He reminded Jimmy of himself back when he lived a life where he would sit in his room and play music, for himself, for friends, "For Jacki?" whispered a voice in his ear.
Jimmy whirled around.
There was nothing there.

Jimmy continued to walk. He knew that the loneliness in time would pass and he would start to see them again, Matt and Cibil, and The Unknown One. He would rather take loneliness that have to see The Unknown One again, but it wasn't his choice. What was his choice.
Fuck him if he knew. Then the cold grip of reality brought him back in. There he was. Him, Matt, Cibil, they were all just Jimmy. They were always just Jimmy. But this wasn't the old Jimmy. The old Jimmy wouldn't be sitting in his bathroom. Holding the razor. Dialing Jacki's number.

Ring once.
'Sorry, the customer you are trying to reach is currently out of servi-'
Then.
Nothing.

Taste, Time and Talent

2008-07-12T19:32:00.001-07:00

It's her taste that stays with me... Why? I really couldn't tell that to you, but it does. It's been on my mind, since we had our first kiss, and I just can't place it. When I was younger, I never had an imaginary friend, again, I really couldn't tell you why, it just never happened to me. Maybe I was just never creative enough to believe something else was actually standing there with me. Maybe I wished too much to be able to do that. Maybe I just wasn't naive enough, yet again, I don't know, but lying there in bed reading, I can feel her head pressed lightly on my chest, and her hands rustling my hair. I can smell her sweet perfume drifting around my room. I might drop my book and see her smiling up at me for a moment, but then the illusion becomes just that, and the smell, touch, and sight of her is gone. The taste stays with me though. Who in hell knows why? I'm not complaining.

Time
It keeps leaving us behind
But the answer's always in our
Minds
Keep us thinking so sublime
Can keep us wondering
If you
If you would ever love me too
Then maybe we could have a little
Get together
If the weather got better
Or we could let it

If it's raining
On a sunny Sunday day
Then we could cuddle together let it wash all of our thoughts away
And if its not
Well lets go for a swim
I'll go out on a limb and
Ask you one more

Time
Is it really such a fickle thing
It seems that way every now and
Again
Must I repeat everything I say
Or can you just listen with your
Ears
They hear and they know that
When i say it i mean and and you never ever have to
Go
Or stay if you must
But Id really like to keep you here

If it's raining
On a sunny Sunday day
Then we could cuddle together let it wash all of our thoughts away
And if its not
Well lets go for a swim
I'll go out on a limb and
Ask you one more

Time
When all of our thoughts bond together
When we don't care about the weather
When I'll walk 50 miles to
Say hi and
Give me a kiss cause thats how I wanna spend my time

So, those are the lyrics to my second most recent song, but it still hasn't been named, so I've been referring to it as Time. Not very original, but something will come along I expect. Time has been on my mind a lot recently. Breaking curfew and having a lecture from your parents every couple of days probably helped with that. What can I say. Time flies when you're having fun I guess.

Short note today, a lot on my mind. Possibly longer one soon. I don't know. A lot is going on right now. With another gig coming up Wednesday, practice has been taking up a fair amount of my time. Also I've been working on the CD. I've broken quite a few deadlines with it already, and so I really don't know when it's going to be coming out anymore. It will be completed. Not necessarily as fast as I would have liked, but now it's become my personal goal. Music has been a huge part of my life, because it's pretty much my one true passion. If I am ever able to make a successful CD, hell even have a couple fans, I don't even know if I'll be happy then. I need to keep pushing until I can show my life to the world in music form. I want to show the world I am something, and with so many things holding me back, I hope I can pull through.

There are a couple of people who are there especially for me to pull through. Keir for one. He has had an interest and taste in my music for about as long as he has heard me play. He lets me use his computer for mastering and looking through his HUUUUGE collection of por---ches... Porches.. yeah that's it. Just ordinary verandas and such...
Spence is awesome too. Not so much a fan of my music in the beginning, but as I practiced more and experimented with different styles, I soon caught his ear, and now we play/sing together often, little ditties we make up such as "Daniel Steinburg".
I have way too many people to thank, seriously folks, but so many people in my life have pushed my music career forward, and for that, I thank you. From the depths of my heart. You brought me where I am today

-Love
Jimmy

Nothing 3

2008-07-04T13:49:00.001-07:00

It is strange being in this state. The time before you are quite asleep, yet your mind is run by your sub-conscious. Being roused from this state would be quite weird. My phone rings. The ringer itself isn't on, but that doesn't stop the display from lighting up.

Unknown Name
Private Number

I know I should probably pick it up. Will anyone else pick it up? Could anyone else pick it up?

"Hello," I mutter into the phone. I'm starting to wake up. The voices are starting to come back. I'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening. Can you tell me?
"Do you remember our promise?" says the voice on the phone. What promise? What are you leaving me out of?
"I don't know how to keep our promise, " I mutter. What promise? the voice asks. I ignore it.
"Jimmy, you have to remember our promise" says Jacki.
What Promise? The voice is jarring now. I'm not sure I remember our promise anyways.

"I don't remember~" I start.
"Don't give me that Bullshit Jimmy."
That name. Was is mine? It sounds so familiar, yet out of place.
"You know I care about you, and I want you to be OK," she says.

Oh look. Someone cares for you, I hear. The voice seems patronizing.
"I want you to call me if you ever need to, OK Jimmy?"
She doesn't really mean it.
'Shut up' I think.
"Jimmy?"
If she meant it, she would have been there that night
'Shut up' I think again.
You needed her that night. You stayed awake calling her name. Crying
'Shut up'
Wailing really
'Shut up'
"Jimmy, are you there?"
The night you almost died
'Stop it'
"Jimmy, you need to remember our promise."
She would have been there that night. Instead of out gallivanting with some gentleman.
She wasn't with a gentleman... Was she?
Ask her yourself
"Jimmy!"

I nudge the off button on my phone.
I fall backwards into my bed.
Then.
Nothing

Nothing 2

2008-07-03T22:16:00.001-07:00

I walked down the street. The sky was gray. It was a bleak winters day. Or summer. I couldn't tell at this point. I felt trapped, like in a labyrinth. A surefire way to get out of a labyrinth was to put your right hand on the wall, and just follow it out. What if there was no exit though. What if the exit was so far away, by the time you're there, you've wasted away to nothing. I doubt even I could find the exit. It was those Goddamn voices again.

I walked faster, as if trying to get away. Stupid isn't it? Trying to outrun your own thoughts. Death standing just around one of these corners. Probably waiting. I doubted he'd come at a time like this. Not for a while; he won't be here.

I pulled my jacket around me and kept moving. The voices had been in my head for... How long? Maybe Jacki knew. I wished I hadn't hung up the phone now. It was late at night. I knew that at least, because the streetlights were on. I hadn't seen starlight in so bloody long, I had almost completely forgotten how much of an insignificant spec I was in the universe.

It was the voices that reminded me of that. Some days, they didn't stop. They kept pushing me until I was worn out and then keep yelling. Some of them were of people I knew. Some of people I didn't. Some were my own voice. That was the worst one. It came in three waves. The first wave, the shorter one, I could deal with. It was the one with the jokes that I told, the ideas I came up with, the confidence to do things, that I doubt I could do without it.

The second one, the longer one, was not yet the worst. It was the one made up of the blackness of hearts. The one that shows up when you get stood up on a date, or when you just feel goddamn awful for no reason. It taunts, and it picks away at you. This voice had been coming up in my head for some time recently. This is the voice that makes you do terrible things, but still not the worst.

The third one. It's almost laughable that this voice is the one that makes me suicidal. It's the voice that asks me Why?.
"Why the fuck not?"
This is the voice that really gets to me. The one I hear when I'm lying alone in bed at night, trying to get to sleep. The one that makes me wonder about where my life is going. I knew where it was going. But it still makes me want to take a knife and run it across my wrist.

Sometimes, I would love to feel the blood run down my arm. I could almost imagine it now. I'm sitting in the bathtub, because I didn't want to leave too much of a mess to be cleaned up. It doesn't hurt, and if it wasn't for the feel of the blood itself, I wouldn't believe I had done it. I would fade off to a slow, almost sensuous lack of consciousness.

Then the third voice might stop. So would all the other ones.
Then.
Nothing.

Nothing

2008-07-03T20:11:00.001-07:00

I move, no grate my fingers over the phone pad. Grate is the only word that could come to mind, whether or not it makes any sense at all. I'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening right now Someone says. I've called a number, that I feel I should know, and looking into the display on the phone, it feels utterly familiar, yet I feel somewhat indifferent about it. The tone of the second beep is sharply broken by a cool, clear female voice. "Hello?".

I press the off button on the phone. I'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening right now Someone says again. I'm trying to look back at something to help me. I'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening right now I think. Unable to go to a different train of thought, I try the number again. I'm not one hundre~ 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' I think to myself. The voices that are in my head don't always co-operate. This time the phone rings three times before it is picked up. "Hello?" comes that cool calm voice.
She was always there to be counted on. Who ever she was.

"Hello?" she says again, sounding a little bit annoyed.
"Hi. I don't even think you know who or what I am" I start "But I need some help."
"Baby, baby, baby, it's gonna be OK," she says.
Apparently she's my girlfriend or something. I'm still not one hundred-percent~ "STOP IT!" I accidentally yell into the phone. "No sorry, I don't mean it at you. I mean it towards the voices," I say.
"Shh, shh, I know baby." that cool clear voice. I love that voice.

She starts to sing to me. I don't remember the name of the song. Maybe she wrote it. Maybe her mom sang it to her. Maybe I wrote it for her.

I lived a life once
I lived a lie once
But I'd never see it through.
I felt that way
Every day
'Till I met you.
When the ocean liners
take out from their docks
We'll both be on the same
The golden ship
The one ship
That never had a name.

The song ends in a minor key. Maybe D minor. I can't tell. Maybe she was the musical one. But wasn't it me? It made me sad. It brought up a picture too, in my mind. I'm not sure what the picture was. It doesn't make one hundred-percent sense to me yet. I take it out of my mind and hang it on the wall above my bed.

Did this picture happen? Did anything happen?

Then I hang up the phone on her. What is her name? Jacki I think. I'm not sure. She isn't my girlfriend. Just a close friend. I look out the window. It looks to be about eleven O'clock. I can't be sure whether it was the morning or night-time. It wouldn't matter so much if I dropped the damn phone. But if I dropped it, it would start to ring again. And if it started to ring again, then I'm not one hundred-percent sure~ "Will you leave me the fuck alone?" I yell in anguish. The phone starts to burn my hand andI drop it.

It hits the floor and bounces twice. It starts to ring again. A laugh emanates from outside my room. I curl into a ball on my bed and try to fall asleep. I won't be able to. The phone rings. Do you know what is happening? Someone asks. "Does it matter?" I reply. I guess not. The voice leaves, and the phone stops ringing. I look at it. It tells me I have missed one call. Just one. Not too many. I reach for the phone and fall to the floor. I try and stand up, but cannot feel my legs. "Hello?" I ask in a voice far different from Jacki's clear cool and calm voice. 'Jacki was her name' I think. Then I start to remember. Or if I'm not really remembering, then it was one of those damned voices telling me what I forgot.

What did I forget? It no longer seems important. I drift off into an uneasy sleep. In my dreams I am in an empty room. I hear one voice saying one thing over and over again. It sounds like someone has left a message on the answering machine, but it is being replayed like a broken record. BEEPI'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening right now.BEEPI'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening right now.BEEPI'm not one hundred-percent sure what is happening right now. "Then how sure are you?" I call out to the empty room. "That shut him the fuck up," I say smiling. But not I was alone.

"Beep." I call out.
Nothing.

"Beep." I whimper again.
I wait with high hopes this time.
My voice echoes.
Then.
Nothing.

Biking home at 2 am in the pouring rain

2008-06-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

An experience that I have not had matched for a long time. It is so peaceful when there are no cars out in this sleepy little city we call Kanata. The only sounds I could hear was the wind passing by my ears and my bicycle's tires working against the ground propelling me forward. It's a very beautiful time.

It is a very sound based society, as I have mentioned before, and even though I'm a huge fan of sound, over the past week, I've become a fan of silence. Not pure silence mind you, because that is almost impossible to find, but the silence you get from a heavy rain. It masks everything else, both sound and sight-wise. It changes the world as we know it. I wish other people would just see rain how it is. If everyone could put down their hustle and bustle end let the rain envelop their senses, I think it would be good for them.

The sense of touch is a pretty amazing thing. I don't think that we really take it to its full potential with our other senses (hearing, sight, taste, smell) being bombarded constantly, our sense of touch often gets pushed to the back. It's a pity really. We become desensitized to our own touch, and the touch of things around us. We adapt to the clothing we wear, until we completely forget that it is in contact with our skin. When there is pressure or pain on our skin we shirk away. Feel it again, we shirk away. The constant pressure or pain will disappear if it happens enough. We do what we as humans always do. We adapt. We callus, we forget. some pains, don't go away.

There are rational senses, then there are irrational senses, the ones that are actually important. There is our sense of pride, our sense of belonging, our sense of direction; our sense of right and wrong. You can go blind and deaf, but you still have these senses. They are different for every person, just like most things about people. These are the senses based on your emotions and your thoughts them self, buried even deeper than memories, or muscle movements. You never forget how to feel bad for doing something wrong, or how to feel good for doing something right, or how to feel good for doing something wrong, the way it happens for us changes constantly though. No matter how much your heart has been ripped around, It will never heal completely. It never gets easier to have to say goodbye, or to have your hopes and dreams shatter. We may pretend that we gain toughness and wisdom as we move on through life, but we're really just making every move up as we go along. We don't have a plan for ourself, and even if we do, you can't determine everything that will happen. That's why even if you wait long enough, or convince yourself she doesn't love you back and you tell her you do, it hurts to death when she says she doesn't. It also makes it all the much sweeter when she does.

Do you dream of me?

How we like music is very interesting. I've already gone over this topic way too much, so I'll keep it short and sweet. It may feel like no matter what you do, there is always someone doing it better than you. Even if it turns out they feel the same way about your music you still have that little bug at the back of your head picking away saying "You'll never be as good as him". It is always good to have a voice to push you and make you push yourself, but when you let it take over your life, you've lost. If you keep pushing, you will write a song that will make your spine shiver when you play it, or tears come to your own eyes. That's when you have something. From there, it doesn't matter if any one else likes it, because you have truly achieved better than your best.

Notes:
-So. I really love your music soulfingaz. You are my complete Idol when it comes to music, and you are also a terrific guy. Keep it up, and I can't wait to finish our CD.

Yeah, only one note today, but don't worry, I love you all alot

so
-lots of love
Jimmy

Practice time -.-

2008-06-23T21:01:00.001-07:00

I really hate that saying. Yeah it's true and all, but who has the time to practice. With music this, CD that, visit friends here, and concerts there, I've become a pretty busy guy. Anyways enough about that, and now onto todays topic.

Old friends. Well friendship in general. I'm not going to kid myself now, I have to many freaking friends. It's not that I don't like having so many friends, but it just gets difficult. Especially with someone you really care about. Going to Queens. Like so many of my friends next year. I was hanging out with a friend today because shes going to orientation, meeting teachers etc, and standing at the door on my way out it was sinking in like a freaking bullet. This girl, whom I have known for less than a year, has made such an impact on me, that I'm almost crying on her doorstep because shes going to be gone for a few weeks. I feel pretty stupid for it now, because it's not like we'd be hanging out constantly for the three weeks shes gone. Just feeling a bunch of my friends go onto bigger and better things, I hope they remember me, because I'll remember them. They have made such a big impact on my life, I can only hope that I made a little impact on theirs.

My builders, hell all the builders. I LOVE THEM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. Leadership camp has brought out such a better person in me. When I first came to LC, it was in grade nine, and I was going through my emo phase. Don't kid me, you all went through one. I was shy, I was fat, I was annoying, and worst of all, very lonely. Walking away from LC was a memory, that I hope I never forget. For once I didn't actually want to leave the school. I made connections with people, and those run so deep, I can't begin to explain them, and with every LC, you realize how precious life is. People go through so much Sh*t and still, you can meet people who are still amazing.

Friendship is like an art almost. It takes dedication to get it to work. Of course with art there are those permanent blunders though. Like when you're painting and you smudge a little bit of white onto your green tree, which was looking pretty damn good at the moment, and suddenly your whole painting is ruined. So what do you do? Scrap it? Fix it in Photoshop? Naw, you just have to work around it. Take a look at the painting you call your life. Mine is really simple, but complex too. You've got a sun, a house, a tree, some clouds, grass, etc. We're talking about like a third grade finger painting. But this is different. The grass is the people you know. There is a lot of grass. Sometime when you trip and fall, It's easier to fall into grass. You may step on it sometimes, and it may give you grass stains, but its nice to have there. The clouds are the people that impact your life a lot. When you fall, It's nice to be able to sink into a cloud and look for support. People will be added to the cloud, people may be taken away from that cloud, but there are a few things I've learned about that cloud. If something that really makes up the cloud is taken from it, then it was never what really made up the cloud. If your cloud is diminishing, and there is only a tiny little bit of it left, It's still enough to lean on when you need some help, and the last thing I've learned is that the cloud is never gone. You always have someone there, even if you may not know it. The rest of the picture isn't really all that important yet, but I might bring it up later. Now I'm going to say a few words to some of the people whom I love so much. My life really wouldn't be the same without these people.

Oooooh, Oooooh, and these people get tagged in the note, But because this is being posted on an actual blog, I'm not going to throw their names up. Just clues that they can figure out them self.

Notes:
-You've been there since the very beginning. Ever since our first LC, even though you are quiet now and then, I still feel so comfortable around you. It was great to know you these two years, but it is really too bad it could not be longer. (Franky)
-Geez, I don't even know what to say about you that I haven't already. You rule my world, have the key to my heart and my mind, and we are going to freaking keep in touch when you go to University. (This song is for you)
-I really want to get a group reunion together. It was really great to know you, and even before LC when we'd just say hi in the hallway. You are such a terrific man, and I wish you the best of luck. (Huss-dog)
-Having you in my vocal class, and then going to you being in my LC group was absolutely terrific. I was so glad getting to know you and you are such a deep person. School will definitely be different without you next year. (you can guess this one)
-Godspell with you was such a terrific experience. I love coming to class to see you and have you cheer me up. It's much to bad to have you gone next year, and not have known you for more than a semester. (Day by Day)
-You and your crazy British accent can make me feel better on a moments notice if I'm feeling down. I feel really close to you after our LC together, and seeing you in the hallway every now and then. Polyadics with you was a life changing experience. thank you (you sexy beast)
-It was really disappointing not to get to know you very well over LC, and school together, but I know we are going to keep in touch. You are a hilarious guy, and it was great to have you around during LGA's. (crap. I can't think of anything to put in here. So I'm gonna put your first name and last initial. do you mind? uhmm. well anyways Kenny K)
-Trust me man, there is nothing I would want more to sing you to sleep every night, but we both know that I'm a busy man. Having polyadics with you was fun, and you are a very cool guy. It was a pleasure to know you. (David Sazookie)
-We barely got to know each other over LC's, though we probably should have. You seem like a terrific person, and we should keep in touch. (whoah, i really cant think tonight. I must be really tired. Sarah W)
-Hey! It's not always a bad thing to make people cry. By playing sad music I mean. My one main memory of you will be you ripping off your sweater yelling "I'm a stripper, let's get naked!". You rock. (Male stripper)
-You are a terrific singer, and it's a shame we never got to do any male-male duets together. There is a shortage of talented male singers, or at least ones as talented and fun to be around with as you. I'm going to miss you next year. (Bowa)
-It was fun hanging out with you on Chris' driveway after ice cream. You are hilarious, and give off a feeling of happiness that everyone around you seems you absorb. Keep that as you move on through life. (The middle sister)
-I know you, your brother and your sister, and you are all funny energetic people (well not so much your brother), but you are all great to be around, and I loved getting to know you (Hulk-ette)
-You remind me of your brother, (i mean that in the best way possible). Funny, great personality, just terrific. I wish you were around again next year. (Nadia K.)
-We soo need to hang out this summer and jam. You already know how much you rule in my books, and in everybody elses. (Madi)

OK, so , if i forgot some of you, I have excuses. If you're not a grad, you don't get included today. this is for people, so if i haven't made an impression on them, and they leave next year, they can read this again. If you are a grad, just so you know, I am extremely tired. Email me, and I will include you IMMEDIATELY. You deserve it. You are a great group of people. It may not be the best set of compliments, because all of you are so great, but if you keep in contact, they would get better. You know, Practice makes Perfect;)

I'm out

-Love Jimmy

New post (finally)

2008-06-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the break in posts. It's been a while since I've had the time, effort, and even energy to write anything. There has been a lot going on recently. I think when I last left that was before my Band Banquet gig, so I guess I'll get started with that. First of all, it went on well, and because they didn't have money to pay me with, they gave me a five pound chocolate bar. It's gone now :P. After that gig, there was another one, at Earl's end of the year assembly (I'll actually be talking more about that in a second), and then after that, I played at the Heritage Academy end of school assembly.

SO anyways, before I move too far away from the gig thing, I want to talk about the end of the year Earl gig. Things went off rather well. I go up on stage, set up my mic, and the first song I play is dedicated to the Grads. The song I played is called "The Graduation Song" by "The Dave Matthews Band". Although it was somewhat hard to see the audience from up on stage, with the lights shining and the huge aviators on my face (Which I borrowed from Brad) I could sort of see people crying. Afterwards when the assembly was over, some people came over to me and complimented me. A lot of people said that the song put them in tears. From what I've been told, that's a good thing, but I wonder, why do people cry at music? Is it the melody of a particular melancholic song that gets them, the words maybe? In my opinion, I think it is neither.

A song is really a story to me. There are good story tellers, but there are bad story tellers as well. When a scary story is told, a lot of the horror is from the person's voice. The story teller is trying to convey a message to the listeners, and If he picks the right inflections to go with the right words, the story will be scary. Relating that back to music, when I sing a song, it usually sucks until I can find the music behind the music. Lyrics don't always make sense, so when I pick a song to sing, I usually don't chose it because of its lyrics, but instead, after I learn a song, I write my own lyrics. I relate things to my own life, even without the lyrics directly relating. It's all about how I picture it. And I try to send that picture to the audience through my voice, through my guitar playing, through the way I compose myself on stage. Some hardcore visual artists don't even consider music art, and I wonder how that can be, because when I sit or stand up on stage I am the picture. I'm the statue, I'm the friggin' paintbrush, I don't care what you call me, but it's not music that is the art, It's the person playing that music. And it is art.

Sorry about that little rant, I just feel really strongly about music. It's pretty much my entire life. Short note today, cause I'm tired as heck, but I will try and write more frequently. Lots more to talk about with you lovely people anways.

Notes:
-Im really too tired to think so im gonna thank somebody for a terrific note I got today.

And I'm out

-Love Jimmy

Its business time

2008-06-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, sup?
ntm, u?
ntm
...
conversation over

I absolutely hate those conversations... Partially because I don't use msn-speak, especially in real life, but mainly because silences always seem so awkward. I am totally the king of awkward silences. There was a time in my life where I would say anything and there would be an awkward silence. I've gotten somewhat better at not causing them, but I find the whole awkward silence thing weird. Yeah I am a musician, but I am also a huge fan of silence. Maybe a little background noise, like a fan or something, but still a big fan of silence.

What makes a silence awkward? Probably the company you're in while its quiet. Does it need to be with someone you are very comfortable with? I find that contact often makes a silence not awkward. Maybe a hug, or a rub on the cheek. Nothing too much, but just so they can feel you there. It is almost like we've barely progressed since we were babies, and needed constant attention, which is often just being talked to.

"A silence roared over the crowd". I can not for the life of me find who said that, but I am absolutely in love with the quote. I remember being on stage, well opening for the concert "Lions Live" at our school one time. Everyone was talking to each other, and the MC gives me my cue to go on. I walk on and everyone is sort of whispering. I mutter something or other to the crowd, not quite sure, don't really remember, but then I started playing, and i heard them be silent. A wave went over from one side of the auditorium to the other until it was just my guitar and voice audible. I felt alone, and a little bit vulnerable; not quite stage fright, and so I kept on playing. I really enjoyed the applause.

When I listen to the intro to Taylor by Jack Johnson, I always hear my telephone ringing. It's a little confusing as to why, but since when does life make sense. People are always hearing things or think that they are. Like if you're drying your hair with a blow drier (hey, how did you think I got these luscious golder waves) or taking a shower, and you think you hear the phone ringing or someone calling your name, but when you turn off the blow drier/shower, there is no missed call on your cellphone and no one there to call your name. I don't really have an explanation to that except for going back to an earlier statement I made. When we are all alone, or everything is silent except for one constant noise, do we really need there to be something or someone there that we actually imagine it? The human mind is a curious thing.

"Like Father, Like son" "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree" "It runs in the blood", a couple quotes that everyone has heard too many times. We are so much like our ancestors and relatives its almost painful. A lot of it is due to genes. But how much of it is in our genes, and how much of it is how we have been raised. Nature vs. Nurture. For me, I'm basically following in my family footsteps. Well on my way to being a lawyer, like a couple of my uncles and aunts, and musician (like my distant cousin Marie-Anne Marie) and I act very similar to my dad. Well, sometimes. It changes a heck of a lot depending on the person I'm around. Sometimes I'm too shy to be myself and sometimes I'm a troublemaker ;). Well, what can you expect an Irish, Scottish, British, German, French, Newfie to do?

Is heritage all that important? Does it matter if you have royal blood in your veins? I don't think so. I think you are who you are. If that makes sense. I didn't get much sleep last night, so I should probably try for some now. Thanks for reading

Notes:
-Reminder to self:- show song to Day-by-Day
-Tell people about my blog on slidemixups.blogspot.com
-gig tomorrow : D, you can bet there will be a post on that
-can't wait for that massage baby ;)
(sensuous pic)

-Love
Jimmy

GFS

2008-06-03T16:55:00.001-07:00

Good Friend Syndrome, or GFS... I absolutely hate it. For those of you who don't have a clue of what GFS is, I will explain. I can basically walk up to any girl and *bam*, we become "Good Friends". Now its not that I don't want to be friends or good friends with a girl, thats as far as you can get from the truth, but we just become good friends... Never a possibility of anything more, and as I said before, basically with any woman. Although it does let me get away with flirting often, it has pretty crappy downsides. for example... Good friends... Nothing more~~ think about it. Do you suffer from GFS? There are a couple words that if you hear people using to describe you could mean that you have GFS:
-cute
-adorable
-cuddly
-teddy bear
-funny

There are more, but thats just so you can get a feel of it. if you do have GFS, then I need to tell you something. NEVER TALK ABOUT IT WITH FEMALE FRIENDS. They will tell you exactly what I am about to type, in an example situation:

me: yeah, im feeling down, cause girls dont seem to like me in a more than friends sort of way
Girl: Oh, I bet they do. Don't worry, just keep your head up and some girl will find out. In fact I don't know why you don't have a girlfriend already.

Right there... First mistake. "don't know why you don't have a girlfriend already". That makes me feel super patronized. going on

me: girls just don't like me like that I guess.
Girl: I don't know why. You're so good at Guitar and singing it's pretty crazy you don't. I mean, I would date you if I were looking to date someone right now.

Two more sentences that really suck to hear. Is that all I'm good for? Being a music box, personality doesn't have anything to do with it these days? the second sentence, I shouldn't even have to explain. It is basically being put across as "Sure I'd date you... But if you asked I'd say no". I mean COME ON!

Convinced yet?

Anyways, moving on to one of my absolute favorite topics, Music! (woot) Today, I wrote another song (surprise, surprise) and found out a few things about the way I write and what I write. I remember my first real crack at poetry was a book called "My Muse" obviously written about: my muse. Writing a song today really got me thinking about who my songs are actually written for. I think I've finally found an answer. I don't write the songs for people or really even about people, but the songs I write are for me. They are to clear out in my head what I know about people, and what I think about them. They are sort of a search in my soul.

This was a rather short post today, not too much to write about, but I will leave you with a quote:“All things mortal are; And o'er this on tomorrow's hearth, Muse: Even maids divinely fair Must, like flowers, resolve to earth.” Everything will come to an end, no matter how long it seems to last. Lets hope GFS ends soon, and ends well. Maybe some of that unrequited love will be returned

Notes:
-woot, gig coming up Thursday
-Good job on the song today beautiful, and yes the lines i wrote to you did become part of a new song. good idea (day by day)

Multicultural talent show

2008-06-02T18:42:00.004-07:00

Pretty self explanatory title. Today at school there was a multicultural talent show. There was one guy, Az-man or something who was rapping and it got me to thinking about music. What makes music work? That might sound a little weird, and i know about wave lengths and forms, but i mean, what actually makes good music. I've written alot of songs in my past, some of them good, and some not so good, but what makes the good songs good? For my own music, I find that when i write something with alot behind it, it usually ends up sounding nice. Or is that just me. I guess I can't really judge my own music, being as well... I wrote it and all.

If Music Be the Food of Love, Play On. is a line from the Twelfth Night, a Shakespeare play. In my experience, people seem to just love sappy love songs. It doesn't really matter if it's about a lost love, a quest for love, unrequited love, or the perfect love, most decent people will sit down for a minute to take in the song. Love is on a lot of people's minds it seems, and it does strange things to people.

Love is really all about taking chances. That's probably why I'm not doing so great at it. I'm a pretty friendly guy (or I consider myself to be), but often, I'm shy as heck. Unless I'm really comfortable around someone there, but other than that-- A thing that helps me with shyness is having a guitar there. I like to play and sing and not have to talk sometimes. It takes the stress out of the conversation, which is why usually when I'm seen, I have my guitar with me.

Why am I so shy? I really don't know. I wasn't shy at all until sometime through grade 9 (round march break). I was in a sort of relationship with a girl when it all went downhill. She kept telling me she loved me, and I thought that maybe, just maybe I had found the one... guess what. I was pretty flippin wrong. It all seems pretty obvious in hindsight, and even with my friends telling me this I couldn't believe it. I was being used. I won't go into the gory details, because too many people would be hurt and thats not the point of this. I've spent the last year and a half wondering what happened. I don't know if I can blame her, or if I can blame myself. Even putting myself in her shoes and walking a mile, I can't find a reason why what happened, happened. There must be a reason... Or at least I hope there was...

Needless to say, that event left me pretty shook up, not knowing what to think or do, and it was all going great, until the recent march break. A similar event happened, but this time I was lied to, manipulated, built up, broken down, and everything in between. I'm gonna be very vague about this particular event, but its just here so I can ask myself a question. Why the hell do I pick the girls I get used by? Another event, dating a girl for like a week or something, we go to the movies, everything is going fine, and she dumps me halfway through the movie. What have i done to deserve all this?

What the hell have I done.

Now I'm going to cut myself off there before I get really emotional and say things that might hurt other people's feelings, but I'll leave you with a thought. "What have I done to deserve this?". We've all heard that said at one time, but maybe the real question is "What haven't I done to deserve it?". Take console in knowing that its not what you do that gives you what you get, and makes you who you are, but its what you don't do, and may never be able to. You're asking yourself to do something that would take power beyond your grasp to do. And believe me. We all want it, but we don't get it.

Sunday Night

2008-06-02T18:42:00.003-07:00

Bleack... Sunday Night, the night before school begins for another 5 days until we get back around to the fun of Friday night. Some people don't mind Mondays. I would not call myself one of those people. I've asked around to a couple of my Monday loving friends, how they do it. I've gotten various answers, ranging from coffee, to just wanting to go to school to see friends for one reason or another. The most intriguing answer I've gotten has been mind over matter. If you just think that Monday is going to be fine, then it will. This is pretty neat, and I'm glad that it works for some people, but just how far does the mind over matter thing go. I've tried it before, and it works... for a while at least, but it always ends up failing for me...

I went out for dinner with my sister's tonight (At Montana's) and my older sister Laura said something that really got me thinking about MOM (Mind Over Matter). It was around the begging of the meal, and things were going fine, until she complained about her water tasting of buttery celery. The next sip of water i took from my own glass tasted attrocious... Like buttery celery. Why it did, I can't think of any real reason. The water had been fine up until that point, why change now? Dunno, but it just did.

Are we supposed to be able to control MOM? Or does it just sort of happen. If you think you are going to have a good day, do you have a good day because of that, or does having a good day make you think you are going to have a good day, even before the day happens. No clue, thats for Freud to figure out.

I'm sick and tired of the best friend craze. People are constantly changing, so how the hell can we determine who we are going to be friends with for the rest of our lives. We are constantly making prejudices about people, and don't even try to say you aren't. Even if you think you know a person 100%, thats pretty much impossible. I'm not saying that you should be all paranoid about people keeping secrets from you, but I'm saying even the people you know best are keeping secrets from them self.

Does anybody really know how they feel anymore. With constant bombardment from peers, the media, even our own friends and family, we change before our own eyes. When you look in the mirror, do you even see yourself anymore? I applaud you if you do, or at least have the illusion that you do.

How do we tell how we feel about each other. Now, Love is a term that gets thrown around a lot these days, so, I'm going to, instead of using it, ask myself about it. How do we know if we're in love with someone. Is it that feeling where you heart gets wrenched up, your heart does flip-flops, you can't speak and your mouth is dry? Or is that the hormones acting up? The difference between Love and In Love is so vague and yet clearly defined. I love someone. I'm in love with someone.

How do we even tell the difference between Love and Lust. I don't know, so today I'm going to leave you with a Robert Frost quote: "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."... does that mean we aren't to have love, just to desire it... Not to be in love, but to hope that one day we can?

Notes:
-Buttered celery
-haven't talked to you in a while... I mean actually talked to you... lets do it soon (euphony)
-glomp baby ;)
-"you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I dont want to miss you tonight" (My humps)

-Love
Jimmy

Rainy Days

2008-06-02T18:42:00.001-07:00

(two poems i wrote a while ago about rain, then some thoughts)

I didn’t want the warmth

The wave of cold swept over me
As I removed my jacket and threw it to the ground
Not wanting the restraint
Or the warmth,
I didn’t want the warmth

I stood outside on the street corner
On the corner of life and wondering
Wondering about you
About how you were doing,
I hoped you were doing better than I was
As I removed my gloves,
I didn’t want the warmth

I slowly fell to my knees
Still wondering if you were there,
I couldn’t see through the rain
So I hoped you were there
I hoped you were warm
As I removed my hat
I didn’t want the warmth

I crawled towards your house
Towards the path
Towards you door,
But not moving
Except in my mind,
I just wanted to see your face
One last glimpse of your face
Before I went
As I removed my scarf
I didn’t want the warmth

I felt myself breathing,
My last breath
Imagining your face
Your every last detail
Until I let myself uncoil
To the full power of the rain
I didn’t want the warmth

Just like the rain

She sat in her chair
Staring out the window
Looking at the rain
And the cobblestone walkway
That led up to her house
She listened to the rain that pitter pattered
She thought of the rain

She thought of the wrong
She had done to him,
And how he had been miss treated
What she said to him,
How he didn’t deserve the warmth

She knew that he was outside
Somewhere, but not there
She knew what he would do to himself
She knew that he would rather be
Alone than without his muse,
Her

She knew that he could find a new muse
She also knew he wouldn’t
So she sat in her chair
Staring out the window
Looking at the rain
And the cobblestone walkway
That led up to her house

She sat waiting
For the phone to ring
Or for him to be there
She waited to her the pitter patter
Of his feet on the cobblestone walkway
That led up to her house
Just like the rain

So yeah, those are pretty old, but its pouring out rain today, so I thought I'd put them up. Have you ever just stood outside in the rain. You love it dont you? ;)

I was standing out in the rain today, in case nobody guessed by now. I had just finished a bunch of rounds of some intense DDR with my sister. I came upstairs right when i started raining hard, like really hard. I was hot, tired, and feeling poetic, so i opened the door, and stepped outside in my socks, and some clothes. I just stood out there for a while.

It's a little weird; standing in the rain I mean. You feel every drop, no matter its size really, and it makes an impact. It's a little colder than body temperature but not an uncomfortable cold, which is pretty sweet. I had time to think about things while I was out in the rain... You know, life, love and the whole three ringed circus we call life.

Forgiveness gets harder to do as time goes on. Why? A couple reasons I guess. We need someone to blame for feeling crappy, and if we forgive, what can we blame our unhappiness on? It's a pretty big mystery.

Music is like my one vice. I cant go a full day without playing guitar or singing at the top of my lungs or something. Me and music though, we have a love/hate relationship. Not so much the actual playing of it, but its more the listening to it, and writing of it. I listen to alot of different types of music, and recently, there are times where songs just absolutely break me down. You've all had one. A song that has so much meaning to you for some reason or another, that everytime you hear it, you just break down and cry. For me sometimes, its not the song, but that actual fact that there is music there. Ive got a lot to deal with it, and the music helps me get through it.

Writing is getting harder again. There was a period of time when i would like write 2 songs a week at least, but now when i try and write, I cant seem to get anything done. I guess thats ok, but its sort of annoying when you can write like one line of a song, and cant seem to get it any further than that. frustrating really.

I have not got real good sleep for about three and a half weeks now. Probably stress due to summatives or something, but its just tiring to have to wake up every day, and still be tired as heck and not be able to do anything about it. bleh...

Thanks for reading this, if you're getting to know me better now, thats good. Thats part of what the notes are for. Also something for me to vent into. but Im out now, BUT not before some special

NOTES:
-thanks for staying to listen to me play after class, beautiful, don't know why you did it, but it meant something to me :) (to day by day)
-no reunion yet, kinda sucks, we need one soon (superman)
-sorry about being a bitch lately mates, just tired and sad. I know its a pretty lame excuse, but ill shape up (welsh guitar and TTS co-writer)
-Im gonna miss you guys after you graduate, and i hope we keep in touch (some select seniors... you know who you are)

well, thank you again, and have a good rest of the weekend

'Nother note

2008-06-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hey again guys. Just writing a note while talking to some friends on msn. Cause ive got like no life:p

Anyways, over the past while, a few of you may have noticed the fact that i look pretty down, and if you have noticed it, good job mind readers! In all seriousness, I've been thinking about why I've been feeling down, and unable to come to a conclusion, I started thinking about the effects on other people from my feeling down. A little ego-centric, but just bear with me now and I'll try to explain.

Humans seem to love to hear about the darkness in each others lives, to make our own seem somewhat lighter, but we also hate it when the bad things in other people's lives make us worry. That is the message Im seeming to get from people recently. I try to feel up around my friends family, etc, but there are some times when that is too difficult to do. it's not like I can wear a mask to make other people feel better all the time. I do try and keep my problems to a minimum, but sometimes they are hard to deal with. don't worry too much about me though, Im a fighter, and Ill make it through.

To my friends with problems, you all have different ways of expressing them, and some are better than others. I like to sit down and talk to people sometimes, but if the way you are going to express them is by just making both of us feel crappy, dont even bother. Yes I know you have a difficult life, and when I say something good about my life, dont complain about it, dont try and overshow me, dont try and down it by playing down your own life more. I'd like a little "thats pretty awesome Jimmy" everyone once in a while. Also, although i do like talking to you people, and you know that im always open if you need someone to talk to, know this as well. I have secrets

Yeah, so what? Everybody does and there is really no way to go around it. So if i seem down, and also seem a bit unsure about telling you, leave it alone. I might tell you if it blows over, i might not, but thats really my personal business. sorry if i seem reclusive, but its not like i can tell everyone everything and just go on like that. there are some things meant for only some ears, and if it needs to be kept a secret, I will (as often as possible) use my common sense and keep it one.

Some notes:
If i dont start a conversation with you, dont be all pessimistic, thinking i dont want to talk to you or anything. Sometimes I dont always start conversations, thats cool. If you have any worries about that, start a conversation with me once in a while.
Hugs: i like them
Kisses: see above
Keir: no i didnt block you, stop thinking that :p

To some special people: (im not even giving hints this time, figure it out for yourself)
-i really care for you... sometimes too much, but you and i both know we make some awesome friends, and its better to stay that way
-sometimes i like to hang out with my other friends, and dont always have to hang out with you. That doesnt mean i hate you
-I still want my dance ;-)
-I love you guys

May as well Just get to it

2008-06-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Goddamn LC :o... I can't believe I said that (cause its the most awesome thing in the world), but maybe once you're done reading this, you'll be a little more sympathetic with me. A few days before Leadership Camp at earl, I developed pneumonia... fun eh? That didn't really ruin my LC, because I'm not the kind of person who would let something like pneumonia ruin something like LC. Don't get me wrong, LC was great, and i loved it, but it's the aftermath that I'm sort of worried about.

You're a falling star, you're the getaway car, you're the line in the sand when I go to far. That's a line from a new fave song of mine by Michael Buble, and hes talking about his girlfriend. I guess I'll start with my own girl troubles... I write a lot of music... And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT! Probably a few songs a week. Of course not all of these are the best songs, but a great deal of them are recordable, and some may even be going on my CD "Highway Surfing". Most of my songs are not necessarily dedicated to a girl, or even about a girl in particular, but when they are, i feel as if I'm lying to myself about the songs. My songs are about love, or broken hearts, not just based on a pretty melody, and the right lyrics. My lyrics mean something, and that something seems to be meaningless. The people that my songs are about, the people I admire, i stay back from. I love them, but its hard to deal with these sort of feelings...

Speaking of girl problems, I'm going to do my best to try and get something as straight as possible here. Two friends of mine were dating, they broke up, then one of the people from the original starts dating another one of my friends. I was asked to keep this a secret, so of course I did, and I knew that he would eventually find out though. I didn't want to hurt the guy though, and when I promise to keep something secret, it stays secret. He finds out and gets angry at me for not telling him. Yes we're really close, but I can't just break a promise like that. Currently, I'm not sure if we're friends. Same goes with a different friend of mine, an outside observer of the problem. Now they want to be friends again, and I'm not 100% sure of what to do...

On one hand, this guy, is practically my best friend, and I was absolutely terrified when i realized we weren't going to be friends anymore. On the other hand though, it is a little hard to accept him back, when we were so close before, and he is able to just hate me like that just for keeping my word. He knows that otherwise I would have told him. I try to look at the issue from his shoes, but i find it extremely difficult to do such. He and the girl were dating for a long time, and he was in love with her, so it must have hurt terribly for him when she starts dating the other guy a week after she breaks up with him. Maybe he was just diffusing his anger at her towards me, but he should know me as more than just a punching bag.

How do we take so many things for granted? I haven;t been paying much attention to him recently, and now I've completely lost him maybe. I think I want to be friends with him, but its hard to say. /section has been removed due to complaints/

Why don't I? I really don't know sometimes. Probably the reason is that I'm just scared. Parents (well atleast mine) aren't the kind I tell all my secrets to, but they are really great listeners, and i should talk to them more often about things going on in my life. Sometimes its good to have an adult to converse with so you can clear up your opinions with some sense of clarity, as most of the time, from what I've witnessed; they are right. Sorry Mom and Dad, i really love and respect you guys, and I hope to make it up to you, in little ways or big ways, I'll try. (note, right now is when we had our conversation, and its better now)

If you've got something to say to me, please just say it outloud to my face. I've had so much trouble reading myself lately, and I'd like to know what you think. If you love me, then tell me you love me, If you like me, ditto, and if you hate me, I'd really appreciate to know that you do, and if there is a particular trait. When you see me every day, is there a reason you give me a hug? I'd really like to know. Am I just the cuddly teddybear to be kept on your shelf and to sing you to sleep. Really, the easiest way for me to be truthful with you is if you are with me. I'll tell you the truth to the best of my ability. I really hate to lie, and so I'll keep it straight, and tell you what ever I can.

This note wasnt written to detract from all of your problems, it was written so maybe people can get a little handle on me. I'm a friendly honest guy once you get to know me, and if we aren't good friends I'm sure we could be.

A few final things to say: I come to school to hug you. If it wasn't for seeing you, I'd be terribly down, more so then often. - flute and guitar
You're really great, and I loved talking with you the other day. You really helped me sort out a few of my problems, and lets get together and cuddle sometime. - day by day, yellow
You three are probably my best mates. Hanging with any of you is great, and you are all really funny. I hope we get together and have more to say to each other. - Friday nights, and Hello Im in dellaware
Hanging out in vocals when we should be doing work is great. you are both excellent singers.-hold my hand
Dont really have much to say to you, besides the fact that you're the resons I am in this world, and I love you all dearly. More than most people... I could stay awake with any of you for as long as you wanted, just to talk, or to sit, watch a movie, whatever. Just give me a hug and I'll be fine you guys...-Muses

P.S. the -(insert words here) are just little clues about the people so they know who they are. If i didnt mention you there, sorry, talk to me and ill tell you what i wouldve said there. thanks for reading my note. gnigh